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Imagine yourself in a multiplex movie theater. Curiously, no walls separate the half-dozen theaters that form the multiplex. Miraculously, you are watching six different screens all at once, thoroughly understanding and enjoying every scene, word, character.

Welcome to ADHD

[You in the Real World, be sure to click on the red underlined hyperlinks!]

Breezy, Di, CassieBrianna (“Breezy”), Dianne and Cassandra in a rare, calm moment …

To all “ADHD Powered” newcomers, I say, “Be afraid. I have a twin!”

And your mustache, assures Screen Two, is thicker than hers.

Though Dianne and I arrive together –

She predates you by 300 seconds, reminds Four.

– we are anything but identical. She’s – well, female. Tall, dark-haired and right-handed. Runs on A-negative blood. I’m male, short, blond, left-handed and, after all my accidents, about half full of B-positive.

Yet you two have such similar experiences, remarks Three. Twinspiration?

“Must be,” I reply. “Sure isn’t ADHD. She doesn’t have it.”

We’ll discuss that in a future column, replies Five. For now, let readers enjoy your twin’s own account of her adventure last week …

I don’t get to Greensburg, Pennsylvania until 11:30pm Sunday. Tired puppy. Grab my suitcase, check in, crash. Monday morning, I go to car. Dagnabbit! Front passenger window wide open – something is going to get taken. Reach through window to get toothbrush on front seat of car.

Yay, me! I did remember to close all the windows. Boo, me! There is no longer a window to close!

I stand in glass. Everywhere. Window frame torqued. Badly broken. Scratches and breaks where the sonofagun did a miserable job at his job. Of thieving.

ChampionOpen back door. No red Indiana University East volleyball bag (from daughter Breezy’s All-American senior year). Which is what I keep all my computer stuff in. All of it. Computer, portable monitor, battery pack, five charger cords for everything, password book (good thing I don’t keep it updated), six USB drives with kitchen sink on them, and … and back-up drive. Oh, my. Ugh.

Three times I open and close the car door. My bag does not come home.

Hotel tells me this never happens at their place. Well, once. Policeman says this never happens in Greensburg.

Call work partner, leave message. Gonna be detained. Sit and eat breakfast because … why not?

Tell employer “help line” I am missing computer. Their computer. They turn me over to A$$et Management, who asks, “How did you manage to lose our asset?”

Call national car insurance line. “This is Dianne Strete. Out of state, vandalism to car, things taken. Need a little help and new window.” Agent says, “Glad no one is hurt. We’ll have someone out there a week from today.”

“Escalate me. NOW.”

New agent takes over. I repeat all information. “Whoa,” she says. “Oh, I see the problem. ‘Strete’ in your e-mail address is spelled wrong.”

“No, that part is right.”

“Lady, I went to school, and the only way I learned how to spell STREET was S-T-R-E-E-T.”

Ahhhhhhhh … how does one move ON from that?

This is not happening“I see your policy is due on Thursday of this week, Miss Strete. Are you renewing with us?”

“In the middle of a vandalism report, you ask me renewal questions? I am so glad this is recorded because I want to tell you how offensive that is.”

“Lady, they give us questions to ask. I ask them.”

Sigh. “Continue.”

She clears her throat. “So, are you renewing with us?”

AUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH. “Possibly. Probably. Why?”

“It makes a difference to your coverage.”

“YOU are confused. I am covered today. And the vandalism was today. Don’t even go there!”

Off to glass shop. They’ll do car … first thing Tuesday morn. Arggh.

I track down A$$et Management techie who realizes, fortunately, that with my computer stolen, I need another. Yay! He’s in Colorado. We tap dance just a little. I talk him into delivering unit at 8 o’clock Tuesday morning. All is good.

Leave room key on other side of just-closed hotel door. Go to front desk, get another. Haha. Bad day. I walk, eat, re-group. I have perspective. I am OK.

Back to hotel room. New room key won’t work. Front desk, another key. Ha. Ha. Really bad day.

Project manager checks in at 4pm. “New computer ordered,” I say, “and … well, bit of a shipping fee. Exorbitant. To get it by 8am Tuesday.” But he is fine, says, “I am going to make sure techie delivers new computer. You were due for an upgrade, anyway.”

Colorado techie e-mails my phone at 7pm. Since project manager requested new unit, techie can’t get done in time. Computer still coming at 8am … Wednesday morning. Sigh.

tiny piercingI head to glass place first thing Tuesday morning, wait patiently. Before 9, I am at client’s firm. Talk with finance staff, directors, controllers. Work partner shows up hour later, says, “What are you doing with your nose thingy? They ALL ask about your piercing.”

Whoops! Left it [small diamond stud] in that morning. Big no-no.

Wednesday morning, computer comes at 9:45. Small, compact, light. Woohoo! Very exciting in my world – be jealous!! Dive back into box, pull out nice bag.

(Nice, but not quite Breezy’s Red Wolf volleyball bag.)

Then, nothing. Nothing else in box. Zip, zero, zilch. Nada.

Can use computer exactly 7 hours, 52 minutes. There is no charger.

Wow, Black, says Screen Two. Your twin’s been through the mill. Could things go any worse?

“Yes, Two, things can. And do. Dianne finishes with this note ….”

By the way, I pay car insurance Wednesday – a day early, right? – because I don’t want shenanigans played with dates. Check bank account late Wed night. What with buying car windows and trying to replace items … yup. Negative.

Isn’t life a kick?

Screen Shot 2013-04-26 at 6.52.03 PM Postscript: My own “car” story pales in comparison. But it serves a purpose …

As I approach the vehicle, my screens shout, Black! It’s damaged!

My disbelieving eyes see the front end is, somehow, sideswiped in a dastardly hit-and-skip. Gold paint is scraped from the nose and grille. Dull red paint is forcibly added, making my vehicle look like some cheap, street-driving “auto of the night.”

Policeman is sympathetic. Then I tell him my license plate is stolen. The businesslike officer’s eyes dance in laughter. “You’re saying, um, that someone drove past, smashed the front … and took time to stop and steal your plate?”

No clue as to the culprit’s identity. Here is the real point I want to make (reinforcing the “twin” theme yet again): in completely different states, my car is violated just 24 hours before Dianne’s.

We may be carrying the “twinspiration” a tad far. But isn’t life a kick!

* * * * *

In respectful remembrance of those we lost September 11th …

Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning?