Imagine yourself in a multiplex movie theater. Curiously, no walls separate the half-dozen theaters that form the multiplex. Miraculously, you are watching six different screens all at once, thoroughly understanding and enjoying every scene, word, character.
Welcome to ADHD.
[You in the Real World, be sure to click on the red underlined hyperlinks!]
Several “ADHD Powered” columns back, I introduced the concept of old-fashioned “margents.” (Hilarious and insightful commENTS written by my evil twin sister into the MARGins of typewritten family letters.)
“Comments in margins,” repeats Screen Four. Shouldn’t your twin’s creation be called commars instead of margents?
No, Two disagrees. Margents has a nicer sound. Makes me want to whip up popcorn.
I wrote next of margents’ more modern version, “threads.” Threads occur when one family member transmits the initial electronic e-mail, photo, video or doctored document for group consideration; recipients respond with a growing exchange of comments, kudos, and killer comebacks.
Threads are a highly functional means of gauging the mental health of a sorely dysfunctional family. Though I’ve proved the point well in earlier columns, it is important to remind you of the Blackwellian environment (see photo at top) in which I grew.
You never grew, protests One.
OK, in which I got older. Regardless, let us start this thread with the original e-mail, written by my “brother from another mother.”
“True. But his mother, JoAn, is the twin of my own mom, Jean.”
Never could tell ’em apart, laments Three. Your point?
“So that makes him more like a brother than a cousin.”
And Kenny’s dad played college football with your dad at the South Dakota School of Mines, adds Two, helpfully.
Rather subdued now, Two responds, Well, that also makes him more like a brother.
“What – what in the world? How do you figure?”
Black, says Six under his breath, I think Two got into the catnip again. Just tell the story.
Two’s logic is out of kilter, but Kenny really is more like a brother. Though a Harrison by birth, his South Dakota lifestyle fits right in with our New Jersey Blackwell – umm …
Three interjects, Stylin’ approach to life!
Let the games begin …
Kenny: During my yearly physical, my doctor asks me about my activity level, so I describe a typical day:
“I wade the edge of a lake, drink eight beers, escape wild dogs in the heavy brush, march up and down several rocky hills, stand in poison ivy, climb out of quicksand and jump away from an aggressive rattlesnake.
Inspired, my doctor shouts, “You must be one heck of an outdoorsman!”
“No, I’m a terrible golfer.”
Blackie: Hahaha! You’ll fit right in at the Blackwell Bed and Breakfast, lad!
And speaking of outdoorsmen, guys, did you catch the TRUE story of the diver last week who saw a killer whale in distress?
The dude dived into the water and cut loose a rope tied to some huge object the killer whale was dragging. The orca surfaced for its first full breath in some time, then turned and faced the diver. They stared at one another until the orca slowly drifted away. You should also know that several MORE orcas watched all this happen.
Thor: It was Barry, now known throughout the killer whale community as “Bite-Size Bubba.”
By the way, Kenny, your physical sounded just like mine. Not a bad day for nine holes!!!
Kenny: NINE HOLES???? That was on the driving range just warming up!!!
Blackie: OK, so this next bit of news isn’t QUITE as exciting as Bite-Size Bubba. Still …
I’m at The Source today, a government building with some 70 different agencies working to help the unemployed and disadvantaged. Realizing I’ve left my trusty tea mug in my car, I run back to retrieve it. Walking up to the car, I see it is surrounded by garbage.
You know what you’ve gotta do, encourages Four.
I stuff the mug in my pocket, grab a trash bag from my car and start picking up, grabbing empty coffee cups and discarded cigarette packs left and right. By the time I’m close to The Source, my collecting bag is full. Huge. Heavy.
We should have warned you, sighs One, but that’s really not our job.
Because not one of my screens warns me –
Just clarified that, says One.
– I lean way too far for the next garbage. Losing my balance –
You lost that in The Accident! counters Six.
– I pitch forward and slam my head into a bush.
A stiff bush, laughs Three. Man, did that hurt!
From inside the halls of The Source, friend Brian Delaney sees me garbage-pickin’ and laughs. He raps loudly on the window, then gasps as I look up. “Blackie!” he shouts, muffled by the window. “Your face!”
Oh, you’re not that ugly, soothes Two.
Brian peers more closely as I watch him mouth, “You gashed your ear … blood’s dripping down your whole face and following your jawline.”
But not tagging your new white shirt! cheers Four.
Source personnel, all female, tenderly wash my face, neck and ear –
First time in months, quips Three.
– tape me up with Band-Aids™, thank me for cleaning the grounds and send me to the Resource Room … where I am their proud “Business of the Day.”
Maybe I should pick up golf?
Kenny: Blackie, you sound like the kind of guy that gets hurt in the shower.
Thor: JUST STAY INSIDE. That may be best for you.
Blackie: No, Thor. I’ve tried staying inside. My younger brother knocks my teeth out.
Mike: Sidenote to Den – do NOT get a job in an aquarium/shark pool. This will just not work for anybody who dives into bushes and walls and ladders and and and. Even though you managed to get a LOT of TLC (yet again) out of this particular incident, I don’t think the sharks would be so warm and fuzzy.
Sidenote to Barry … you should think about bringing Den and Ted with you on your commercial dives. Den would keep sharks busy because he is generally bleeding from some injury where he head dives into something. In any case, he swims in circles because of imbalance … which would give you plenty of time to get away.
And Ted would be so busy laughing and pointing at the sharks going after Den that he wouldn’t even notice them sneaking up on him … which again, would give you even more time to get away.
You could bring Dianne, but she would get ticked off at any sharks bothering her and NAIL them in the snout, causing a lot of blood. Next thing you know, there would be a feeding frenzy four miles wide. No, inviting Dianne just doesn’t seem like such a good idea.
You could invite Kenny, too … but I don’t think boys from South Dakota much like getting in the water (or showers, for that matter), and they really don’t like getting in shark-infested waters. It makes MUCH more sense for them to go camping with the grizzlies and the mountain lions.
I’m just saying. Hope this helps.
Postscript – Liza Minnelli, famous offspring of singer/actress Judy Garland and director Vincente Minnelli, has made quite a name for herself in the entertainment business. And outside it. The “Cabaret” actress’s most interesting marriage was to second husband Jack Haley, Jr. If that name sounds familiar, it’s because Jack Jr.’s father, Jack Haley, played the Tin Man in the 1939 movie “The Wizard of Oz” opposite Lisa’s mom, Judy. The next time you watch the movie, think about Dorothy and the Tin Man’s future children marrying in real life.
Kind of brings to mind Anakin Skywalker (aka Darth Vader) and Padmé Amidala, who produced Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, who didn’t know they were twins (separated at birth), who briefly fell for one another … who later figured it out and chased other heroic people, faring much better than Dorothy and the Tin Man did.
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